You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
