OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
