too bad you live with your parents still
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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