i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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