new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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