Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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