Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
