then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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