Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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