We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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