Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
