i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
