I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
