and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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