I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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