Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
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I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
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I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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