I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
