That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
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I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
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I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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