Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
