wanna go halves on a baby?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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