worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
