Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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