My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
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You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
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Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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