lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS