why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
