On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
