who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
