he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
