I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
