I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
True strength comes from lack of pants
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
