You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
