That's intense
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
