dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she told me i tasted like america
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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