You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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