I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
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