did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
