omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
3 2 1 whiskey
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
