I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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