3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
