Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
