thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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