i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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