Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
