You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
