My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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