What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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