Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
