my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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