you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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