chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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