Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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