someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I need a hoe opinion
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