She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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