i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
