so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
