I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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