textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
