Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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