I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You've changed since you got that strap on
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
