My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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