well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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