If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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