I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
