What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
