I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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