if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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