I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
