I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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